Barry’s Deals with the Devil
Get out your tinfoil hats, boys and girls. It’s time for Conspiracy Theory Hour.
In today’s episode, a skinny boy named Barry becomes rich and famous by hitting singles and doubles and tracking down long fly balls hit to left field (not center, left). But Barry wants badly to hit those big homers his dad hit.
Then one day, he meets a leprechaun who gives Barry a magic potion, called the cream, to rub on his body. The cream gives Barry incredible strength, and he starts hitting prodigious home runs. Opposing pitchers refuse to play ball with him, and Barry starts losing friends as he starts piling up homers. Other boys start taking the magic potion, and they too start hitting big home runs. But none so big and prodigious as Barry’s.
One day, a prosecutor starts to notice that Barry’s hat size has increased with the length of his majestic home runs. He compares pictures of Barry’s Mr. Potato-head noggin with photos from him as a boy when he used to dress up as a pirate. He starts an investigation.
Barry protests he has done nothing illegal. He only used a magic potion. He returns to the game he loves best and comes close to breaking the all-time record for home runs.
About the same time, the prosecutor turns over a mushroom and finds the leprechaun. The leprechaun tells the prosecutor that he has been giving Barry the magic potion, and that it contains illegal ingredients. The prosecutor thanks the leprechaun and starts legal proceedings against Barry and dozens of other ballplayers who have been taking the magic potion.
Barry is distraught. He didn’t think he was cheating, and he so badly wants to be the home run king. But the prosecutor says he has Barry dead to rights.
So Barry makes another deal. The prosecutor tells Barry he’ll call off the investigation if Barry agrees to give up his bat and glove and never ever play baseball again.
“But what about the home run record?” Barry asks.
“You leave the home run record alone, and I won’t throw your ass in jail for lying under oath,” the prosecutor says.
Barry considers his options. “On the one hand, I tell this guy to take a leap, go hit a bunch more home runs, and then I will be the king of all I survey. But I also have to testify before Congress, and pee in a cup once a week. More to the point, I have to stop taking the magic potion. I never hit more than 34 homers before the potion. It’ll take me at least two more years to become the king.”
Barry frowns at the first option. “On the other hand, I could retire right now as one of the greatest players of all time and get off scot-free for all those years of cheating. In five years, they’ll elect me to the Hall of Fame and call me the greatest living ballplayer for the next 20 years.”
Barry’s face starts to light up. “Hmm, I think option two sounds pretty good. But how do I retire right now without arousing suspicion? Everybody’s been waiting for me to become the king. I can’t just be like that Wallace Simpson guy and say ‘on second thought, maybe being king wasn’t so important.’”
Barry calls his friend Des Abledlist. “Des, I’ve decided to retire.”
Des is shocked. “Barry, you can’t retire. You’re the best player in the game.”
“No, Des, it’s all a fraud. I’ve been using magic potions to hit those homers. I need a graceful way to retire quietly without anybody getting wise.”
Des thinks for a while. “I know! Come on over to my house for a few weeks while the season starts. We’ll tell everybody you have a knee injury.”
“A career-ending knee injury? In the off-season? That sounds a little suspicious, doesn’t it?”
“It won’t be career-ending at first. It’ll just be a minor injury that needs an operation. You can have the operation, then the knee can get infected from the operation, then you’ll need to drain fluid periodically. It can go on indefinitely.”
“Do I actually have to have the knee operated on?”
“Of course not. That’s just the cover story. I have a few surgeons on the payroll that’ll pretend to do the operation. They’ll even give you the crutches for free. Then, a year from now, you can say the knee never healed quite right, and you have a teary retirement ceremony at the stadium at the start of next year. Everybody’ll think it’s such a shame that you had to hang it up so close to the record."
“Great idea, Des. I’ll be over in 10 minutes.”
And he lived happily ever after.
In today’s episode, a skinny boy named Barry becomes rich and famous by hitting singles and doubles and tracking down long fly balls hit to left field (not center, left). But Barry wants badly to hit those big homers his dad hit.
Then one day, he meets a leprechaun who gives Barry a magic potion, called the cream, to rub on his body. The cream gives Barry incredible strength, and he starts hitting prodigious home runs. Opposing pitchers refuse to play ball with him, and Barry starts losing friends as he starts piling up homers. Other boys start taking the magic potion, and they too start hitting big home runs. But none so big and prodigious as Barry’s.
One day, a prosecutor starts to notice that Barry’s hat size has increased with the length of his majestic home runs. He compares pictures of Barry’s Mr. Potato-head noggin with photos from him as a boy when he used to dress up as a pirate. He starts an investigation.
Barry protests he has done nothing illegal. He only used a magic potion. He returns to the game he loves best and comes close to breaking the all-time record for home runs.
About the same time, the prosecutor turns over a mushroom and finds the leprechaun. The leprechaun tells the prosecutor that he has been giving Barry the magic potion, and that it contains illegal ingredients. The prosecutor thanks the leprechaun and starts legal proceedings against Barry and dozens of other ballplayers who have been taking the magic potion.
Barry is distraught. He didn’t think he was cheating, and he so badly wants to be the home run king. But the prosecutor says he has Barry dead to rights.
So Barry makes another deal. The prosecutor tells Barry he’ll call off the investigation if Barry agrees to give up his bat and glove and never ever play baseball again.
“But what about the home run record?” Barry asks.
“You leave the home run record alone, and I won’t throw your ass in jail for lying under oath,” the prosecutor says.
Barry considers his options. “On the one hand, I tell this guy to take a leap, go hit a bunch more home runs, and then I will be the king of all I survey. But I also have to testify before Congress, and pee in a cup once a week. More to the point, I have to stop taking the magic potion. I never hit more than 34 homers before the potion. It’ll take me at least two more years to become the king.”
Barry frowns at the first option. “On the other hand, I could retire right now as one of the greatest players of all time and get off scot-free for all those years of cheating. In five years, they’ll elect me to the Hall of Fame and call me the greatest living ballplayer for the next 20 years.”
Barry’s face starts to light up. “Hmm, I think option two sounds pretty good. But how do I retire right now without arousing suspicion? Everybody’s been waiting for me to become the king. I can’t just be like that Wallace Simpson guy and say ‘on second thought, maybe being king wasn’t so important.’”
Barry calls his friend Des Abledlist. “Des, I’ve decided to retire.”
Des is shocked. “Barry, you can’t retire. You’re the best player in the game.”
“No, Des, it’s all a fraud. I’ve been using magic potions to hit those homers. I need a graceful way to retire quietly without anybody getting wise.”
Des thinks for a while. “I know! Come on over to my house for a few weeks while the season starts. We’ll tell everybody you have a knee injury.”
“A career-ending knee injury? In the off-season? That sounds a little suspicious, doesn’t it?”
“It won’t be career-ending at first. It’ll just be a minor injury that needs an operation. You can have the operation, then the knee can get infected from the operation, then you’ll need to drain fluid periodically. It can go on indefinitely.”
“Do I actually have to have the knee operated on?”
“Of course not. That’s just the cover story. I have a few surgeons on the payroll that’ll pretend to do the operation. They’ll even give you the crutches for free. Then, a year from now, you can say the knee never healed quite right, and you have a teary retirement ceremony at the stadium at the start of next year. Everybody’ll think it’s such a shame that you had to hang it up so close to the record."
“Great idea, Des. I’ll be over in 10 minutes.”
And he lived happily ever after.
posted by John Rosenthal @ 10:20 AM
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