Fan is Short for Fanatic
Dear spectator:
I regret to inform you that you are not a member of _____________ (insert team name here). While we appreciate the fact that you bleed ___________(insert team nickname and color here, e.g. Dodger blue) and that you’ve named your two daughters ______________(insert first name of Hall of Fame player, e.g. Carlton) and __________(insert last name of aforementioned Hall of Famer, e.g. Fisk), you will not be receiving any shares should the team win the world series.
Please cease and desist from using the royal “we” when talking about the team. You were not selected in the draft, did not go through years of bus trips in the bush leagues, are not invited to team meetings, and are not consulted on player transactions. It that were the case, we would have contacted you before trading away _____________ (insert name of jettisoned popular player, e.g. Paul Lo Duca).
Most of all, please refrain from interfering with the game. Do not touch balls in play—it usually ends up preventing the runner from first from scoring on a double. Do not send your kid onto the field to retrieve a baseball that rolls close to you. A baseball costs $13; the seats that you will be kicked out of cost at least three times that much.
Do not throw beer at or smack a player from the opposing team, no matter how big a jerk he may be. Keep your distance from outfielders who are trying to catch foul balls that will send the team to the World Series for the first time in more than 50 years. And please do not get so drunk that you feel it is perfectly acceptable to run onto the field and attack the opposing team’s first base coach.
If you persist in hurling bottles, batteries, and epithets at the players, be they on our team or an opposing team, we take no responsibility for the likelihood that one of these players will return said object or throw a chair in your face.
We hope you’ll continue to come out to the ballpark and root, root, root for the home team. But if you cross the line between being a fan and a participant one more time, we’ll make sure that you never get back.
Sincerely,
__________________(Insert team president name here)
I regret to inform you that you are not a member of _____________ (insert team name here). While we appreciate the fact that you bleed ___________(insert team nickname and color here, e.g. Dodger blue) and that you’ve named your two daughters ______________(insert first name of Hall of Fame player, e.g. Carlton) and __________(insert last name of aforementioned Hall of Famer, e.g. Fisk), you will not be receiving any shares should the team win the world series.
Please cease and desist from using the royal “we” when talking about the team. You were not selected in the draft, did not go through years of bus trips in the bush leagues, are not invited to team meetings, and are not consulted on player transactions. It that were the case, we would have contacted you before trading away _____________ (insert name of jettisoned popular player, e.g. Paul Lo Duca).
Most of all, please refrain from interfering with the game. Do not touch balls in play—it usually ends up preventing the runner from first from scoring on a double. Do not send your kid onto the field to retrieve a baseball that rolls close to you. A baseball costs $13; the seats that you will be kicked out of cost at least three times that much.
Do not throw beer at or smack a player from the opposing team, no matter how big a jerk he may be. Keep your distance from outfielders who are trying to catch foul balls that will send the team to the World Series for the first time in more than 50 years. And please do not get so drunk that you feel it is perfectly acceptable to run onto the field and attack the opposing team’s first base coach.
If you persist in hurling bottles, batteries, and epithets at the players, be they on our team or an opposing team, we take no responsibility for the likelihood that one of these players will return said object or throw a chair in your face.
We hope you’ll continue to come out to the ballpark and root, root, root for the home team. But if you cross the line between being a fan and a participant one more time, we’ll make sure that you never get back.
Sincerely,
__________________(Insert team president name here)
posted by John Rosenthal @ 9:49 AM
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